Confessions life

An Apology from Hubby

They’re beautiful aren’t they?  Well, I deserved them.  Ha!

Why?

I caught Hubby in a lie which then resulted in an argument.  An argument that has been drawn out throughout our entire relationship.

We aren’t perfect, every couple argues…but honestly, we only argue about one thing.

What?

Dip. Chewing tobacco.  Yuck.

Early on in our relationship I learned that Hubby had done dip since high school.  Apparently, his high school baseball coaches did it, and I guess inadvertently encouraged the players to do so too.  Not to mention Hubby is also a native Texan, and chewing tobacco seems to be more widely accepted as a manly thing to do there.

Oh, Texas.

Well, sorry…to this East Coast girl it’s on my top list of gross things to do.

I’ve been on his case ever since I found out, and every time we discuss it, he tells me he’s going to stop.  First he was supposed to stop before we got married and I found out he hadn’t.  Then he was supposed to stop when I got pregnant.  He hadn’t.  Then he was supposed to stop after we had Mabel.  And this time, I thought he had.

Until yesterday afternoon.

I had seen the ‘flakes’ on the counter which he thought he had disposed of.  Um, when is he going to learn that he can’t get anything past me???  So then I found his stash in a jacket pocket tucked into our closet.  I didn’t really even have to look, I noticed the shirts we parted and looked like someone had recently been messing with them.  Bam.  Six cans….SIX CANS?!  Ugh.

So I collected the cans, and put them in the trash and then went to give him the chance to come clean but he insisted he had no idea what I was talking about.  I topped that by pulling out the cans.  He had that look of, ‘she got me’.

Yep.

We then had another discussion where I told him about how much it bothers me.  I’m concerned he’s going to get cancer from already having done it for twelve years.  I don’t want to be a widow in my 40’s or Mabel to not have a father.  Okay, some of you might think this is extreme…but this stuff seriously happens.  And what a silly way to die if you could have easily prevented it.

I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening.

Or today.  I’m not sure how to get through to him how important it is to me that he stop.  For Mabel.  For me.

And then there came the doorbell. And by the time I got Mabel situated enough to go open the door…those beautiful flowers were waiting for me on the welcome mat with a card stating an apology.

And I’ll admit this is what saved him from another night of me not talking to him.  He came home from work with a bashful smile…and my frustrations melted away.  I can’t ever stay mad at him for long.

Now he just needs to stop doing chewing tobacco and we will never argue again.

 

 

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21 Comments

  • Reply
    jennifer
    July 24, 2012 at 8:32 am

    I know exactly how you feel. When I first met my husband we were both smokers. We both had only been smokers for about a year. I was more a social smoker more than anything else but his smoking was constant. When I got pregnant, I made a no smoking rule in my house and we both stoped smoking. That lasted for about a year or so until my hubby started the smoking again (outside of course.) Then I got teribbly ill and smoking bothered me badly. So he decided to start chewing. YUK!!! Nasty habbit. He has been off an on chewing for about 5 years now. And I’ll tell you it really depends on what he’s doing that day on how much he chews. Well now I’m pregnant again and the goal for the next few months is to get him to stop the chew! I honestly believe with my husband that the chew is harder to give up then the smoking.

  • Reply
    Melissa
    July 24, 2012 at 10:27 am

    This happened to me shortly after I got married. I had no idea my husband dipped until I caught him. He had been going to his truck a lot lately at random times, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe he was making secret phone calls or something. It seemed off, so I went after him one night and saw 8 dip cans in his truck! I was so upset he hadn’t told me and he said he’d been doing it on and off for years. I caught him once more lying and hiding it in his shoes and jacket pockets and he swore he would never do it again. I just couldn’t stand him spending money on such a dumb habit. I can totally relate to how you feel. It sucks being lied to!

    Melissa

    • Reply
      Ashley
      April 7, 2014 at 5:28 pm

      I know this post is old, but have things gotten any better? ?? This exact thing happened to me. Husband swears up and down he was able to quit right away, but isn’t that hard to do!? Any feedback would be so much appreciated-this happened a couple of months ago, but I’m still so bummed out and hurt 🙁 we used to brag on each other for our honest relationship, now this? Thanks so much in advance!

      • Reply
        Ashley
        April 7, 2014 at 5:30 pm

        My prior question is to Melissa, her story is so close to mine 🙂

  • Reply
    Emily
    July 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Well at least you got pretty flowers out of it! Oh, and as a native Texan, dipping is NOT looked at as manly/cool/accepted here. Trust me, it grosses the vast majority of us out just like anyone else. I don’t know many who do it and those that do, do it alone lol.

  • Reply
    Julie
    July 24, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    It sounds as if the chewing tobacco might have a stronger hold on him than you realized. And if it’s got a strong enough hold that he would lie to you about it, it’s probably a deeper need than he even realizes. But if he’s not dipping, he might start doing something else that could be worse. It might be beneficial to find out what the dipping does for him – is it the smell, is it the taste, is it the time alone he gets while he’s dipping, is it the high? I know how addiction works – my dad was an alcoholic and my brother chews – and it’s not as easy as just asking your hubby to stop. Since he’s in the military and if you guys are near a military hospital, there should be a smoking cessation program there, or he might need further treatment such as one-on-one counseling. But I suggest you start viewing it as an addiction and not just a bad habit. To treat it as anything less would be a disservice to your husband.

    • Reply
      Morgan Wardle
      August 9, 2016 at 10:07 pm

      I know this is a very old post, but I wanted to say thank you for your comment. I harbor so much anger toward my partner, and what you said has really helped me to understand.. Addiction vs. bad habit. I always think, “How can he do this to himself, to us? He’s an intelligent, educated man and he must know deep down that he’s killing himself. But he can’t stop.. This is truly a strong addiction. I have a hard time empathizing since my hatred for tobacco runs so deep.. But you have really helped me. Thank you.

  • Reply
    Suzie
    July 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I did an ENT surgery rotation during my training and saw the terrible surgeries these people had to endure for their throat and mouth cancers. It’s not silly for you to worry about that at all. It’s disfiguring to someone’s face, it’s a lot of recovery, and ultimately, some of them don’t make it because the cancer is too far advanced…

  • Reply
    Mrs. Baker
    July 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    oh man i would have lost it! 😉 hopefully he will be done with it this time-i’m a dental hygienist and we are supposed to check for mouth cancers and i have seen horrible things that they cause. keep working on him!

  • Reply
    Layne
    July 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    OMG… I totally relate – and I swear your story is the same as I mine… I just caught my hubby dipping again – Ivebeen asking him if he has, and he denied denind…. but, I finally just said, dont lie to me, just tell me, and he did. We have a 6 week old son, and hes suppose to quit, but hasnt, and I totally have the same exact fears u do. Only because my grandfather died of cancer, in the throat, from smoking, he had the box and hole in his neck and everything – disgusting! Hubby still hasnt quit, and i know its a habit – he says its like his “coffee” – but still hasnt quit! I hate to be a nagging wife about it – but seriously, you cant buy your way out of cancer, it just pick who it picks – so why provoke it to pick you!

  • Reply
    Kristin
    July 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Well good luck getting him to really quit it. I know it can be tough to watch someone do something dangerous. But it’s nice to know he knows how to apologize!

  • Reply
    Jamie
    July 31, 2012 at 2:15 am

    I’m sure he wants to quit for you but quitting chewing tobacco is tough. Have you known anyone who has quit smoking? Studies show that chewing tobacco is 3 times more addictive than cigarrettes. Give the guy a break. I have been trying to quit for years and its still not happening. Every user knows that he needs to stop, we just can’t. Please be patient with him because he will have to try plenty of times before it works for him. When he gets it right, please ask him to let me know how it happened, because i need the help too.

    Jamie

  • Reply
    Jodi
    July 31, 2012 at 8:08 am

    That’s just the beginning. No man I have ever known gives up lying, it’s built into the species. They don’t like to be yelled at or deal with confrontation, so they take what they see as the easy way out. It WILL happen again – over something else if not this. Decide sooner than later if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life because it will NOT change no matter how great a guy he is.

    Jodi, married for 26 years to a guy who still doesn’t get that you get off MUCH EASIER when you tell the truth..

  • Reply
    Caroline Green
    October 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    This sounds VERY familiar Morgan!! Have you thought about sending Mark to a dentist for a good scare? I think that’s my next tactic! 🙂

  • Reply
    My Last Day of Being 26
    November 28, 2012 at 12:07 am

    […] and I continue to venture into the land of happily ever after (with the occasional argument of how he needs to stop dipping). It truly has been life altering to see my husband as both my other half and a […]

  • Reply
    Wordless Wednesday – Flowers
    July 3, 2013 at 11:42 am

    […] after a very long week and a half (sorry for my lack of posts!).  And some of you might remember a similar flower delivery last year but these flowers were sent purely as a ‘just to say I love you’, not as an apology.  […]

  • Reply
    alex bowen
    April 21, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    I was a chewer for 15 year’s! And to see people on here saying “it made me so mad he was chewing blah blah blah! And think of it this way he’s chewing! Not stepping out on you,not doing dope,not snorting pills and stuff! So if your husband chews cut hit a little slack! He will quit when he’s ready. The more you push the longer he will keep chewing

    • Reply
      Morgan
      April 22, 2016 at 12:51 am

      Hey Alex, thanks for showing me the other side of it. This post is from 2012, but my husband recently gave it up (hopefully for good this time). And you’re right…it’s not cheating or doing hard drugs…but it’s still really detrimental to one’s health. Take Tony Gwynn for example…died at a young age due to oral cancer, with a high likelihood of it being due to chewing tobacco. I’d prefer to lower the chance of this happening to my husband and taking him from his family too early. I’m thinking that’s where a lot of this anger and frustration comes from wives who know how unhealthy it is.

  • Reply
    Sarah Musselman
    June 3, 2016 at 3:01 am

    I know this is an old post, but I’m in the same boat. Whenever I bring it up, he gets all defensive, and says he doesn’t feel like a lecture right now. If any of your husbands have quit for real since this post, please let me know how!

  • Reply
    Danny
    July 31, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Hello girls my Name is Danny I have recently been outed as a closet dipper to the wife I believe she said it was the equivalent of lying to her and that she is extremely upset by that. What should I do ? Can you help me out? P.s. Also a native Texan but living in Connecticut now and yes Chew is quite prevalent down south regardless of what the others say on here

  • Reply
    Alicia
    September 28, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    I’m in the same boat. My husband quit chewing a year ago for good. Then two weeks ago his mom died of cancer, and he started chewing again. I’m so angry! We watched his mom die a painful death from lung cancer (she smoked years ago). He was so frustrated with her for not taking care of her health enough and felt like her family wasn’t reason enough to be healthy. And he’s doing the same thing to his family. We have a baby girl.
    I got mad and was honest. I told him I don’t want to be a widow at 40. He listened, but no response, then went out and bought more. The wasted money is a whole separate frustration.
    I spoke once so not going to bring it up again, but praying hard like the movie War Room.
    Nice to know I’m not alone in being so angry. Nicotine is a demon and it’s committing slow suicide.

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